Ludz

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Chapter 33

 

How did they keep circling back to this? Ludz had followed Ayn into the belly of the ship directly to the captain's quarters. She gazed up at the large map on the wall, longingly. Ludz sighed. “Really?” He said, defeated. Handi took them out together so they could have some fun during the storm. This would only upset her.

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Ayn scoffed at him. “You going to shred it again?”

 

“Do I have to?”

 

Ludz walked into the room and looked up at the familiar shapes on the map. The memories were distant but tangible. A howling breeze, salty and cold, hit his face as he looked over the railing on his tippy toes. The sense of mystery from the new land in the distance mixed with the tinge of fear running up his spine. He escaped back into that deep yearning to return home. He missed his mother’s kind words and soft voice. The notes of his mother’s piano rang clearly in his ears. His mother’s hands taught him to dance around the sharp notes of the old untuned piano masterfully. Sweet melodies whispered in his memories.

 

“Ayn don’t do this,” he said, begging.

 

“Did you find anything?” Handi asked, finding them in the captain’s quarters with a cheerful smile. Ludz couldn’t meet her eyes, knowing the thoughts in his head. His mind flickered to the memory of his promise with Chiyo to leave someday. The promise that he’d never get to keep. The guilt weighed on him heavier than ever.

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“What’s going on?” She asked, he could feel the joy leaving her voice as she put the pieces together.

 

“Oh, nothing,” Ayn said, sarcastically. “Nothing I can use here.”

 

“Right,” Handi said. Her voice came out quiet, almost a whisper. 

 

“You know Vince isn’t the only one who wants to leave right,” Ayn continued. 

 

“Ayn, just stop,” Ludz said. He didn’t know why she kepting pushing for this. They knew they couldn’t leave. It was easier just to accept their present situation.

 

“You’re saying you don’t want out,” she asked with a smirk, already knowing the answer. 

 

Handi looked at him begging for a reply, but he didn’t have one she’d like. He didn’t want to lie to her again. It never went well. Lies would only make things worse. “We’re not going anywhere, Ayn,” he said.

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“I don’t want to be stuck here,” she shouted, her voice echoed through the empty ship. “I want… I want to leave, Handi.” She sounded surprised that the words had actually left her mouth. “This island is a little too small for me.”

 

Handi shook her head first slow, but then a look of panic came across her face as she whipped it back and forth. “No. No, Ayn,” she said. “Even if you could leave, where would you even go?”

 

“I don’t know,” Ayn admitted. “Anywhere. Anywhere I want.”

 

“It’s dangerous!” Handi yelled, taking them both by surprise. Ludz had never seen such a raw look of fear on her face. Not on the face of their fearless Handi. Sometimes he forgot how small she really was. Her petite and thin body seemed tiny in the big door frame. She had such a big personality that he often forgot that she, like them, was just a person, who had her own weaknesses. He reached out to try and comfort her but she hit his hand away. “No.” She kept shaking her head. “Why do you all keep bringing this up? Everything was perfect before.”

 

“Perfect is a strong word,” Ayn said. 

 

Ludz knew what she meant but being so antagonistic wouldn't help them. “I like the peace too, Handi. Coming here felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders.” His life traveling with his father had been a painful struggle that the island had relieved him from. But at some point that relief had been replaced with loss. The loss of everything he left behind: music, family, a future. On the island everything felt stagnant, like he had managed to glue the pieces of himself back together again, but he still couldn’t move forward. He was still left with only a single choice just like before. “But the ‘what ifs.’ We all think of them.”

 

“Not me,” Handi said. “I try not to.” Ludz noticed her hands tightening into fists and then releasing. She shook her head at them one more time before walking away. 

 

Ludz groaned. He hated seeing her so upset. He hated even more that he had only added to it. “Handi…” Ludz muttered. He looked to Ayn. “Are you going after her or am I?” 

 

She shrugged. “You think she wants to hear from me right now?”

 

“Like I’m much better.”

 

She chuckled in an obvious attempt to make herself feel better. Neither of them liked upsetting Handi. “At least you’re not the one actively looking for a way out.”

 

Ludz rolled his eyes. “Fine.” He followed Handi. The ship wasn’t too big so she was easy to find in the food storage cracking the tops off of filled barrels.

 

“Fiu’s going to be happy with this hull, there's so much fresh food we never get. Look. Fish, fruits, actual flour instead of roots. I wonder if there's sugar somewhere,” she said, with a painfully fake joyfulness in her voice.

 

Ludz leaned against the doorway. “Are we really done talking about this?”

 

“Ayn’s just rebellious. Nothing new,” she said as she tried to move one of the heavy barrels. She’d need their help to get them any further than a few inches. 

 

“Mmhmm.” Handi would do this sometimes: pretend like nothing was wrong. It’d work on the younger kids, but him, not so much. “She’ll get over it,” Handi said, not an ounce of faith in her own words.

 

“I know you don’t understand us sometimes. But, just know, we don’t want to hurt you,” Ludz said gently.

 

She stopped. “Well, leaving hurts,” Handi admitted.

 

“We’re not going to. So why don’t we just leave the ‘what ifs’ as just that: dreams,” he said. She turned to face him. She smiled at him softly. He couldn’t read that look she gave him. 

 

She walked up to him and playfully patted his head. He obliged and tilted it down so she could reach easier. “I’d appreciate that, but I also don’t want either of you to hurt.” She sighed, her hand traced his head until it rested on his cheek. Ludz leaned into it. He came there to console her, but as always she ended up comforting him. Her golden brown eyes looked sad as she smiled. “All I can do is try to make you happiest here. Or at least happy enough.”

 

“I am happy here,” Ludz said and her smile became more genuine as she dropped her hand. “And Ayn… I think she just misses the exploration. When the island was exciting. So maybe we can still find some thrills for her here.”

 

Handi giggled at the idea. He missed her giggles. Even if he had only lost them for a moment, he missed them. She should always be giggling at the idea of their next adventure.